the problem with blogging.

....besides the fact that i can't figure out this new blogger layout! what the heck. i hate trendy, modern, and unusable! moving on.
here's the thing. i've never been much of a private person. i'm not shy. i rarely get embarrassed. i sometimes forget to filter my words. i've been blogging since 2009, and during that time i think i struggled posting two entries. two. i just counted, and i've posted 80 blogs. that's saying something. (maybe that i should shut up, who knows)
anyways, as many of you can tell, since i claimed to be starting this super fun marriage blog back in november, i have posted four blogs. four! so what's the deal? lazy? no. too busy? not really. nothing exciting happening? nope, not it either. things are just different. better different.
it's not that i don't want to share. it's not that i don't sometimes. it's not that i won't ever again. jake and i have always liked to keep our relationship relatively private. now, this is difficult to do in the age we live in. i don't know how many times a day i log onto facebook and see couples talking back and forth to each other on there. if that's your thing, then hey, live it up! to us, it just never made sense. we have always had cell phones, we saw each other often, and for goodness sakes, now we live under the same roof. talking to each other on facebook just felt like talking to everybody on our friends list. it felt like we were putting our relationship on display. and as much as i love a little reality tv, it felt a bit too Nick and Jessica, a little bit like all of these people were sitting and watching and analyzing our relationship. now that we're married, that theory has evolved a bit. blogging has made me feel like we are the stars of a realty show, like i am exploiting our marriage. ok, that's dramatic, but believe it or not, i have 8 drafts of blogs that i have decided not to post over the past several months. it's not like they are bad or too personal. it's not like i don't want to share our life with our family and friends. it's just that during the times i've been inspired to write, by the time i read over it, i just wanted to save that silly or sweet moment for me and jake.
i guess living during a time when everything is everybody's business, i fear losing that sanctity and intimacy that jake and i share. of course, every once in a while i still post something funny or kind he does  or says, but the things my husband does or says are really for me and us and God. they aren't for blogger, and facebook, and the internet. as public and transparent i tend to be, i'm enjoying living a little more on the private side. so for now, i'm torn. the things i loved most about blogging was putting myself out there to be relatable. there is something so fun and comforting about finding somebody who thinks, feels, or acts like you do. so every time i would share a story, struggle or strength, it would please me to think that somebody was able to relate to it and me. i so badly still want that! i want to share the things we are learning through marriage, but i don't want to share my marriage. make sense? yeah, my brain hurts too.
so until i find a happy balance of sharing appropriately without feeling like i'm married to my entire friends list, the posts will be pretty slim around here. so for the record, i'm not too lazy, busy, or boring. we are happy and healthy and life is so so so good. talk to you in two months! ;)