Thursday, February 19, 2015

the girl who cried pregnant.

a few days ago, rhea and i were sitting in my backyard, eating popsicles with the kids and watching them play. we were talking about my latest miscarriage and rhea asked,  "you aren't going to tell me next time you're pregnant, are you?"

i laughed at her and told her no. i'm not.

i'm in a really weird spot right now. we have had three losses in nine months. if you include brielle's story, which i do, jake and i have gone through this heartache four times now. i'm tired.

the more babies we lose, the more protective of those lives i become, regardless of how long or fleeting an amount of time they were here. and along with protectiveness comes a bit of possessiveness.   i just want to cling to those lives, and keep them as my own for as long as possible.

this last pregnancy, i told four of my close friends that i met over the internet (life is weird), and rhea. that's it. we didn't tell our parents until we were on the way to the ER.

maybe it was partly because we were afraid. and partly to protect their hearts. but i think it's just what i need to do to make this journey the easiest for me.

i don't want to be the girl who cries pregnant. i don't want to keep putting brielle in the big sister t-shirts, and texting friends pictures of the two lines, and thinking up creative way after creative way to tell our parents that the family is growing.

I'm feeling a bit burnt out. if someday, we are able to have another healthy pregnancy, i don't want to feel burnt out. as harsh as this may sound, i don't want to lives lost to rob any joy of a thriving life in the future.

that being said, i don't think it is fair to pretend that the live's lost weren't lives at all. and that's why i have i decided to share about every single one of them. they are my babies too. they deserved every ounce of joy and love that jake and i poured out to them for every second we knew about their existence. we still pour out that love and joy. we think about them, and we miss them every single day.

so do i believe in living in fear? absolutely not. unfortunately announcing a pregnancy eagerly and recklessly isn't a privilege jake and i have at this point. and that's ok.

i have promised myself that i will still be all in every single time, no matter how many times it may be. i have to be all in.