Monday, April 8, 2013

every new mom needs a jake yeager.

during the last days of my pregnancy, i thought a lot about what my life was going to turn into. i tried to imagine the feelings i was about to feel. i fully understood that i could not fully understand. i was prepared to love brielle more than i thought was emotionally possible. i was prepared for my heart to explode.

what i wasn't prepared for was the change in love i would feel for my husband. you hear horror stories of women screaming obscenities to their spouses during labor. the famous, "YOU DID THIS TO ME," line. you hear about women quickly forgetting their husband's needs. about women who suddenly become irritated with their man. men who can't do anything right. i know we are only a month into this parenting gig, but i've never loved jake more.

jake and i fell in love when we were 14 & 15 years old. there is a special sort of passion you feel at that young of an age. the innocence and invincibility of being a teenager allows you to love hard, to love without bounds. when i think about the first couple years of our relationship, my heart swells up with joy. i have the sweetest memories of dashboard confessional, starbucks caramel apple ciders, kissing at all the stop signs on the way home on a friday night, and spending hours on the phone dreaming up our future. our life and our love was so simple, so sweet, so organic. as we grew up together and began to live that future we used to dream about, our love changed. it wasn't bad, but it was different. inevitably that reckless and silly love matured. real life kicked in, and we had to face college, living in different cities, work, money, and every else that sucks about being an adult. but of course, we pulled through, and my love for jake grew stronger and deeper. when we got engaged in december of 2010, a bit of that teenage love came back, and again after we were married two junes ago. but on march 9th, 2013, i was hit full force with a love for him more powerful than ever before.

i'm (obviously) not too shy or private of a person, but it's funny how any ounce of modesty disappears when you're in labor. i mentioned this in my last post, but jake literally couldn't have been a more perfect partner during brielle's delivery. homeboy saw more bodily fluids than any man should. he held my barf bag during those gnarly contractions. he allowed me to come close to breaking every bone in his poor ol' hand just to help me ease my pain. he even tried to hide the fact that he was drinking a vanilla coke for goodness sake. that's true love. i didn't curse, blame, or raise my voice at jake once. not because i'm a good person, but because i was so overwhelmed with appreciation for him. in those moments when i felt my weakest, i didn't think i could love him more.

then brielle was born. the look on his face. endless love and joy. it will truly be etched into my brain forever. who knew seeing your husband fall in love with another girl would feel so good. i've said before that i used to desperately want a boy. a mamas boy. a little man to play in the dirt with, to watch baseball games with, to rough house. now, i quickly realized how amazing it is to be the mama to a sweet little lady, but the moment i saw jake holding his girl, i was sold.

he loves her so much. and watching their love has ignited ours. i swoon every time he calls her beautiful (which is approximately every 30 seconds), and i've sat for hours and watched them snuggle (their favorite past time).

not only have i been blown away with how he loves her, his love for me has never been more clear. the guy has been my lifesaver. my own lactation consultant. literally helping me latch her on that first week home when i didn't know what on earth i was doing, and couldn't remember one thing they told me at the hospital. my own butler. spending hours of his day grabbing me water, a snack, the remote, anything and everything while i'm stationed on the couch, nursing our hungry hungry hippo. my own therapist. sitting and listening to my countless breakdowns those first two weeks. not judging me when i cried and pleaded to go back to the hospital our first night home, because i was certain i couldn't raise this baby without all my favorite nurses from l&d. he's been nothing short of selfless, kind, patient, and loving to me. i couldn't appreciate it more.

while we have yet to play any dashboard or kiss at any stop signs, we have fallen in love all over. we still have to pay our mortgage and mow the lawn and scrub the toilets and although life has sped up and become so complicated, it has also slowed down and become so simple and sweet. we love God, each other, our puppy, and our girl. our families are unmatched and our friends are amazing. what else could we ever need? life is good and now that i have fully comprehended that, i can breath and love jake like i did when i was 14. reckless & innocent. passionate & pure. without bounds.

i know that soon this new found passion and will begin to fizzle and fade, but for now i will bask in the return of this silly kind of love. and hey, maybe soon(ish) we can rekindle that fire with baby #2. i do still REAALLLLLLY want my boy....

disclaimer: while all the above is absolute and true, i have also spent many a night glaring at jake with just as passionate anger while he snores away during another midnight feeding. he's lucky i haven't smothered him with a pillow ;)

1 comment:

  1. i love her name. and her crib. and the decorated B. congratulations mama!