31 weeks

Sorry about the shadows. 

How far along? 31 weeks 

Baby is the size of: A head of lettuce? These comparisons are whack. Apparently she is around 18 inches and 3.2 lbs.   

Total weight gain: 26 lbs. whoa mama.  
Maternity clothes? Yup! Most of my non maternity tops come up above my belly button. Thank God for bagging cardigans and scarfs to spice up my limited options these days.        
Stretch marks?   Still none! It's a bit shocking. I really feel like I'm going to get them though. My skin itches constantly. But maybe Bio-oil is as miraculous as everyone claims.  
Sleep: Ok. Not great, but not horrible. I slept the other night without my Snoogle,  and was MISERABLE and woke up with the sorest hips. It made me so thankful I decided to buy it early on. If you're pregnant, GET ONE! 
Best moment this week: Christmas! I didn't mention anything in the last post because I didn't want to jinx anything, but we bought a house! We closed escrow on Nov 30th, but didn't move in until December 9th. Moving while your 7th months pregnant isn't the most ideal situation, but we are so thankful to own a place of our own. However,  Christmas was a bit on the back burner this year. Even so, it is always great to watch Home Alone and spend time with family. :) We also went to a 4d ultrasound last weekend and got another sneak peak of Brielle. She is so precious and so funny. Definitely caught her with a finger in her nose that immediately went into her mouth. It was hilarious. Also had a doctor appointment on Thursday. It is so crazy being on an every 2 week schedule now. She will be here so soon! Everything looked great, and the NP said I have a perfect pregnancy. Feeling so blessed! I hope it stays like that for the next 9 weeks. 
Miss Anything? Not really. I really really love being pregnant. I've had it SO easy. 
Movement: Always. You can definitely tell she is running out of room though. Not as many somersaults, just a lot of wiggling around and small jabs.     
Food cravings: Still pizza. And chocolate, which is so weird to me. I was never a chocolate girl. OMG! And Cuties. I almost forgot. I go through a bag in like 2 days. Addicted!   
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope!    
Gender: A little lady!    
Labor Signs: Nope! I don't think I've even had any Braxton Hicks yet. I read that they can be painless, so I don't know if I'm just missing them or not, but I feel completely normal.  
Symptoms: A little bit of heartburn every now and again. I still pretend it isn't happening and eat whatever I want. Also some shortness of breath. It's embarrassing. 
Belly Button in or out? Still hanging in there, but looking weirder every day.   
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! 
Looking forward to: Enjoying the rest of our vacation. Making our house a home. Finishing the nursery. My/Our baby showers. Bringing home a BABY! 

26 weeks

Sorry the picture looks funny. Stupid time change requires a flash. 

How far along? 26 weeks 

Baby is the size of: A cucumber. She is 15 inches and 2 whole pounds!! 

Total weight gain: 20 lbs!! Yikes. That number sounds so intimidating, even though it's all located from my collar bones to my hip bones :) 
Maternity clothes? Went to Motherhood a couple weekends ago. Got a new bra in my new size. Thank God! It has long overdue and completely changed my life. Also took advantage of their buy three get one free sale on tops. So many cute things for big bellied women these days! Obsessed!        
Stretch marks?   Not yet. I feel like they could appear any minute though. My skin is literally always greasy from the butters I'm rubbing on.  
Sleep: BLAH! Not great lately. Gatsby is suddenly the most clingy animal ever, and constantly trying to get underneath our blankets and in between me and my boyfriend (the snoogle). I have a super terrible knot in my back that has been keeping me up too. Not the business.    
Best moment this week: THANKSGIVING! What's better than overeating and seeing all your loved ones?! NOTHING! Our district gives the entire week off for Thanksgiving, so that was an added bonus. 
Miss Anything? Nothing new.       
Movement: Oh, yes. Every time we go to the doctor, they make a comment about how much she moves, which intimidates me. Like, they see A LOT of babies. The fact that they are impressed with her energy makes me convinced we have a hyper little girl on our hands.     
Food cravings: My mom's homemade stuffing. Thanksgiving went too fast :(   
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope!    
Gender: A little lady!    
Labor Signs: No, obvi. 
Symptoms: Backache and a littttttttttle bit of heartburn, but I am in total denial and still load jalepenos on everything possible.   
Belly Button in or out? neither. haha it's flat as a pancake. So creepy.  
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! 
Looking forward to: Once on this Island! I choreographed the play and Jake is an assistant director, so we are both so so so excited to watch the kids perform starting this week! Come see the show! 

22 weeks

How far along? 22  

Baby is the size of: Papaya! Broke the 1 pound mark this week. Big girl! :) 

Total weight gain: Probably 14...or 15 if I factor in all the Halloween candy I consumed last night.   
Maternity clothes? Oh yah. Nothing new though. I need to make a trip to stock up soon.       
Stretch marks?   Nope, but my belly has been so stinkin itchy lately. Yikes.  
Sleep: Pretty well! The cold(er) weather and our snuggly bed is making it harder and harder to wake up in the morning.   
Best moment this week: Halloween candy? haha I've never consumed that much in my life. I just literally couldn't stop. It was also fun painting the bump! Costumes are mine and Jake's thing, but we have about 2,000 other things going on this year and got lazy and decided not to dress up. BUUTTT I just couldn't NOT do sommeeetttthing festive. 
Miss Anything? Being able to breathe while walking up stairs. So embarrassing to wheeze my way up in front of a mob of high school students.      
Movement: All the time. We are feeling (and seeing) more and more flips and wiggles instead of just kicks and punches. I love it so much.     
Food cravings: CANDY! and In n Out. My sweet husband was going to drive me 20 minutes to get it the other night, but then got sick and couldn't. I've been thinking about it ever since.  
Anything making you queasy or sick: Besides too much candy? Nope!   
Gender: A little lady!    
Labor Signs: No, obvi. 
Symptoms: Headaches! And the round ligament pain is back.  
Belly Button in or out? in, but omg it's getting shallow lol 
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy! 
Looking forward to: THANKSGIVING!!! Guys, it's bad. I literally sit and think about Thanksgiving dinner every.single.day!  Plus I get to wear pants that expand with me! Score. 

Back Home

     I have the day off today, so earlier this morning I was in the bathroom leisurely putting on my makeup and listening to iTunes. I hate getting ready more than anything, but on days like today I am at peace and calm. I like taking my time, and sipping on tea, and scratching Gatsby's belly with my toes as he lays at my feet. I was applying mascara of all things when Back Home by JJ Heller started to play.  I froze, the mascara wand still in my hand, and immediately began to cry. Now, I am pregnant, and could definitely use that as an excuse for my uncontrollable emotions, but that wasn't the cause this time.
     As JJ sang the first line of that beautiful song, my head and heart were transported back to a moment I don't think I will ever forget. It was 3 1/2 months ago, and Jake and I were in the car on our way to San Diego. A week earlier we had been told that I had miscarried the baby we were so excited to bring into the world. A week earlier I received a D&C. That horrible, horrible week had been filled with tears, anger, confusion, and emptiness. I felt so drained and pitiful, and was beyond ready to get away for the week and spend some quality time with my husband. It was a long trip, and neither of us felt much like talking, so the previous 2 hours of driving down I-5 had been spent listening to our favorites: Coldplay, Phil Wickham, and then JJ Heller. I had listened to her Painted Red album often, but as soon as track 4 began to play, I felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of my body. I continued to sit silently, listening to each word, with tears literally streaming down my face. My sunglasses were on and I tried so hard not to let Jake see my reaction. The week had been equally hard for both of us, and I didn't want him to have to deal with one more of my emotional break downs. Either I wasn't doing a good enough job, or he instinctively knew, but as soon as she started singing the chorus, he grabbed my hand. It was all too much. The sadness, the guitar, the beautiful words that spoke directly to my broken heart, the love of my husband, the love of my God.
     I gave in to the lump in my throat, and really cried, not worrying about what the woman in the next car thought of me. I finally accepted it all. Yes, this was a bad time in our lives. No, we don't know why it happened. Yes, I was perplexed. No, I was not in despair. Yes, I was struck down. No, I was not destroyed. I accepted the song's message. I would not get used to sadness. I would put my hope in what is true. My God did not leave me. He loved me. He was carrying me. He wanted me back home.
     As we continued to drive, I had no idea that in three days I would be sitting in an ER, 5 hours away from home, finding out that our precious baby had been protected by God and was alive with a heartbeat inside of my womb. I had absolutely no idea just how bright the sun would be shining on me.
     So this morning, with my growing belly pressed up against the bathroom counter, as I thoughtlessly applied my mascara, that beautiful song had a whole new meaning. God's promises are true. They are real, and meaningful, and amazingly fulfilling. Even if our trip to San Diego had not ended up the way it had, I would have been ok. I would have been healing, and maybe even pregnant again at this point. But that's not the plan God had for me or our precious daughter Brielle. I would have known no different, but now instead, I am fully aware of the overwhelming power of God and his promises. Whatever may come, and however the wind may blow, I know more than ever how faithful the Son is.

20 weeks.

I'm not fully sideways in this one, but you get the idea...the belly is bigger lol

How far along? 20 and a half!.....actually 2 days shy of 21. I'm horrible at this.  

Baby is the size of: A small cantaloupe. Holy crap. 

Total weight gain: I'm estimating 12. I really need a scale though.  
Maternity clothes? A couple of new maternity shirts, and I bought some more non maternity cardigans yesterday (like I needed any) that will hopefully make my few maternity clothes go farther.      
Stretch marks?   Negative. I'm still rubbing on that cream, though! 
Sleep: Pretty well! The freaky pregnancy dreams are creeping their way back, though.  
Best moment this week: It was actually last week, but hearing that our anomaly scan came back perfectly! Baby girl is healthy as can be and growing right on track. My doctor referred me out to get one done since I am still being called high risk because of everything that happened in the early pregnancy. I was anxious to get the results back, so it was a huge relief to hear that everything looks great. 
Miss Anything? Nope. I got some non raw sushi yesterday, and that satisfied my craving. I am still looking forward to some nice raw stuff post pregnancy, but it did the trick for now :)     
Movement: Omg yes. Alllllll the time. Almost everybody has been able to feel her at this point. Wild girl.    
Food cravings: Can't think of anything new or specific. Pretty much everything sounds good haha  
Anything making you queasy or sick: Nope! I had a super easy first trimester, but even I can appreciate how easy the second is.   
Gender: Confirmed she is still a girl at the scan lol   
Labor Signs: No, obvi. 
Symptoms: My skin is still being a brat, but nothing much. I truly love being pregnant so far. Even if it is requiring a little extra concealer. 
Belly Button in or out? in, but omg it's getting shallow lol 
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty happy. We have had a very exciting week. Everything seems to be falling into place. All of this, plus the weather change and some fun quality time together has made Jakey and I pretty happy recently. 
Looking forward to: Our appointment on Thursday. Since my insurance covers it, my doctor is going to do another ultrasound then. I love getting to see our sweet girl this often. 

18 weeks

How far along? 18 and a half! 

Baby is the size of: A large mango...which sounds so freaking good. 

Total weight gain: Haven't checked since my appointment last week, but I'm guessing 10. I think I'm averaging about a pound a week. 
Maternity clothes? Nothing new. I wore two of my maternity shirts this week to work and am needing some more because my regular ones are getting a little short in the front lol     
Stretch marks?   Negative. I'm still rubbing on that cream, though! 
Sleep: Wonderfully! Finally accepting that 4am pee wake ups are a part of my life now. 
Best moment this week: Our 4d ultrasound/ gender reveal party! I am so thankful that our parents, siblings, and grandparents got to see the baby, and it was so amazing to have all of our closest friends and family together at the party. Too much fun! 
Miss Anything? Nothing new! No desire for alcohol anymore, thank God.     
Movement: Yes! YES YES YES!!! These aren't any flutterings or butterflies either. I'm talking straight up battements and round house kicks. I felt them during 5th period on Monday, and could even feel them from the outside, but I just assumed it was because I knew they were happening. Then after school I was choreographing and they started. I told Rhea, and she felt my tummy, not thinking she would actually be able to feel it, but she totally did! Now we have to just get Jake to, but a certain little baby gets shy every time he tries to feel. It is so exciting, though. It's happening A LOT, and every time it does it catches me off guard.   
Food cravings: Still spicy! Also chocolate milkshakes. Specifically from Campus.  
Anything making you queasy or sick: Not really. YAY!  
Gender: GIRL!!! Ah. I can't believe my dreams and instincts were right! We so excited for our beautiful Brielle to get here, with a wardrobe that is already almost as big as mine....and I haven't bought one thing yet. SPOILED!  
Labor Signs: No, obvi. 
Symptoms: Acne is slowly taking a chill pill. Other than that, not really! Minus the fact that I'm growing every day lol  
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: MOOOODDDY. Oops. Everything is just annoying the crap out of me. So sorry in advanced if I'm a brat to you for no apparent reason. I'm hoping it was just a bad week. 
Looking forward to: Our 20 (well 19) week scan on Tuesday. I love getting to see her this often. 

sugar & spice & everything nice.

Anybody who knows me knows my borderline unhealthy obsession with little boys. They're gross and weird and mischievous and everything else good. I grew up with four baby brothers, and even though I prayed for a sister during each pregnancy, after a while I grew to love army men, baseball, and bloody knuckles. Boys are simple and easy and fun.
Girls are unknown territory. I spend a decent amount of time around my baby girl cousins and niece, and they are the prettiest and sweetest things I've ever known. However, instead of asking me to pick them up and slam them on the couch, they want to play mommy and baby. When I make fun of them for having boogers hanging from their nose, they get their feelings hurt instead of laughing and wiping it off with their forearm. It's not that I like little boys more, it's just that little girls scare the crap out of me. They are so delicate and fragile and....well... sassy.
As I've documented on this blog, I had a feeling we were having a girl from pretty early on in the pregnancy. I don't know if it was the dreams, the sudden love for chocolate, or simply the fact that I'm about due for a girl in my life. Either way, I began mentally preparing myself for the possibility of having a daughter. The more I pictured it, the more comfortable I became. I mean, I'm all about ballet, and cute clothes and The Sound of Music. Seems easy enough.
Last weekend at our gender reveal party (which was so fun!) my heart stopped when I saw those baby pink balloons flying out of the cardboard box. I don't know why I was so shocked. I thought it was a girl all along. But all of a sudden, it hit me. We are going to have a little girl. A daughter. DAUGHTER. Jake and I were talking the other night before bed about how heavy that word suddenly seems. I don't even want to attempt to listen to John Mayer right now.
Now, even though I am still obsessed with stinky little boys, I can honestly say that I couldn't be more excited. Seeing the amount of love my husband already has for our precious baby girl is amazing. I know he would have been excited for a boy, but there is something about this girl that has him in a frenzy. It was precious to see how excited he was to show everybody that she looks like me, and how quickly he set her picture as his phone's wall paper. It's so fun to listen to his plans of taking her to The Nutcracker and introducing her to our favorite musicals. It will be fun to someday (if God's willing) watch Jake and our son playing catch in the front yard, but for now, I can't wait to see how well he will love our girl. Over the years of our relationship, we have, of course, had hard times and in our early years I would wonder if we would really make it through, but one thing I have NEVER questioned is Jake's unconditional love for me. I can't wait for him to show that to her, and I know he will be the best dad to a daughter.
We are naming our girl Brielle. It means 'God is my might.' We fell in love with the name over a year ago now, and after the circumstances early in the pregnancy, we decided that nothing would fit more perfectly. Leading up to the gender reveal, we flip flopped on boy names, but Brielle was always Brielle.
I can't wait to meet her. I can't wait to hear her cry and see all of those alien like images from her ultrasounds come to life. Jake and I always talk about how we just want to know everything about her. Will she love yellow and Audrey? Will she have my big mouth or Jake's sharp mind? Both? Oh gosh. She will obviously love to eat and ride the tube at Shaver, but everything else is so unknown and exciting. Is it February yet?
Until Brielle is here for us to snuggle and kiss and love, we will just continue to pray for and dream of this sweet miracle girl. God has already blessed her more than she will ever comprehend and I am so excited to see the plans He has for her. I pray she always knows how much she's loved and that God will always be her might.

17 weeks

                           

                                                  

How far along? 17 and a half! 

Baby is the size of: A sweet potato 

Total weight gain: 9 lbs!
Maternity clothes? Pretty much the same stuff. I went back to just using a rubber band on my pants, though because it is WAY to hot to have an extra layer of fabric on my belly.    
Stretch marks?   Negative. I'm still rubbing on that cream, though! 
Sleep: Really well recently. Waking up only once to pee, and finally don't feel like I'm sweating to death. Last night I woke up with a weird Charlie Horse on my side/back, though. I had to get up and stretch to stop it.  
Best moment this week: Going to the doctor and hearing the heartbeat! Last month I stressed myself out between appointments. A month is just so long to go without checking on the little booger. 
Miss Anything? The craving for sushi came in full force. The other day I searched #sushi on Instagram and just fantasized over the pictures. #desperate. Also choreographing and teaching dances makes me miss being able to move properly lol It was hard to try to teach a leap when I physically can't do one at the moment.    
Movement: I don't know!! Definitely either the baby or gas.   
Food cravings: SPICY!!! I can't get enough spicy!! 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Gatsby's dog food. gag. 
Gender: I just keep flip flopping!!! 
Labor Signs: No, obvi. 
Symptoms: The acne is still out.of.con.trol. and I'm more hungry than even. Hence the 9 lbs. 
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty happy! Even though I did just have a meltdown because I couldn't find my black cami. 
Looking forward to: Our gender reveal party on Saturday!!! People: Two days and we will know!!! AHHHH!!!!!  

15 weeks

How far along? 15 and a half! 

Baby is the size of: A navel orange!  

Total weight gain: I'm guessing 5 or 6? I need a good scale. 
Maternity clothes? Yes! I got two pairs of maternity skinny jeans last weekend. Best things ever. And so cheap!! I also got a maternity shirt, but it's too hot to wear it yet.   
Stretch marks?   Negative. I'm still rubbing on that cream, though! 
Sleep: Not the best. My snoogle (Jake and I call it my boyfriend) is still fabulous, but I've been getting up to pee every night at 3 and then have had a cold/sinus issues which makes breathing a bit difficult. 
Best moment this week: Two weekends ago we shared baby Yeager's story at our church, which was fun. It's always awesome to testify to how great our God truly is. Last weekend Jake and I had lunch with my stepmom and two littlest brothers. They had fun rubbing my belly and guessing whether they are getting a niece or nephew. 
Miss Anything? The alcohol cravings are subsiding. Thank God. But I really miss bleu cheese now :(    
Movement: The other night I felt butterfly-ish movements in my tummy, but I'm not sure if it was baby or not. Haven't felt them since. Looking forward to those squirms though!  
Food cravings: Fruit (as always). I'm dreading the end of summer and the fact that all these precious, juicy, delicious fruits will be taken away from me. Also spicy things! Salsa, spicy asian food, and buffalo wings. So weird. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: mostly frothy toothpaste still. bleh.  
Gender: Had ANOTHER girl dream, and Jake had his first girl dream, but I'm still going back and forth. we will know soooooon!  
Labor Signs: No, obvi. 
Symptoms: I can't believe I hadn't mentioned this before: ACNE! Omg. I have always less than perfect skin anyways, but now it's everywhere. I hate it. Also getting some round ligament pain. Especially after dancing.   
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: A little more moody lately. And when I say moody, I mean primarily to Jake. Poor poor boy.   
Looking forward to:  the weekend!   

13 weeks

Excuse the line going through the picture this week. We are still trying to figure out the best place to take the pictures, and of course I wait until the very last minute to actually do them. Oh well.      

How far along? 13 weeks. well 13 plus a few days, but who's counting? :)

Baby is the size of: A peach! Which seems so big/delicious. 

Total weight gain: yeah, I was right last time. definitely have gained about 4 lbs. My dr. was happy with it, though, so thats good!
Maternity clothes? Nope. I'm wearing these skinny jeans until I have to be cut out of them.  
Stretch marks?   Negative. I'm still rubbing on that cream, though! 
Sleep: Great! I got my Snoogle. Omg. How did I ever sleep without it? 
Best moment this week: Went in for our monthly appointment expecting just to hear the heartbeat. I took my mom since I didn't want Jake to get a sub if we weren't getting an ultrasound. My nurse practitioner put jelly on the Doppler, went to turn it on, and it was out of batteries. Instead of simply switching them out, she took us across the hall to get an ultrasound so my mom could see the little stinker. So amazing. I LOVE MY DOCTOR. And I love my precious baby even more. It was so nice to see something that looks like a human! :)  
Miss Anything? A margarita with a salted rim. I didn't even like alcohol this before I was pregnant.   
Movement: Can't feel it yet, but I swear I have a ballerina/ballerino in there. Poor little thing was trying to sleep until my big mouth laughed to hard. He/She totally jumped and stretched his/her arms and legs out. Then there was no going back. The worm, robot, sprinkler. You name it, the baby was doing it. 
Food cravings: Still fruit and anything fruit related. I contemplated sticking a spoon in Grandma Johnnie's homemade pomegranate jelly the other day. But also Fatte's lunch specials, which is so gross. I've been in there more these past 2 weeks than I have been since freshman year of high school. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: Frothy toothpaste and raw red meat. 
Gender: Our appointment is officially scheduled for the 22nd! I go back and forth, but I'm still leaning towards girl. I had another girl dream this week, and actually saw her face, which is weird. 
Labor Signs: No, obvi. 
Symptoms: Peeing more and out of breath a bit easier than normal. I started teaching the drama students a dance today, and it took everything in me to not act like I was about to pass out haha  
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Pretty freaking happy! A little irritable towards Jake at inappropriate moments, but that's kinda a given. Poor guy.  
Looking forward to: Filling out more, so people don't question whether or not I'm just finally getting chubbier. AND getting stuff together for our gender reveal party.  

Before he/she was rudely awoken. 

12 weeks

Hey Y'all! I thought it would be fun to post a weekly pregnancy update here on the blog. It's a perfect way to journal the journey and keep loved ones updated. Plus, I'm obsessed with reading other women's. (And was before I was pregnant) Here is my 12 week update and belly shot. :) I accidently stood a little tilted, so the picture isn't quite accurate, but I'm too tired to care. 

How far along? 12 weeks

Total weight gain: 1 lb last time I checked....but I have a funny feeling it might be 2 or 3....oops lol 
Maternity clothes? Not yet! Although yesterday I did the ol' rubber band on the pants trick. Holy Moly!! What a life saver. 
Stretch marks? none yet. I know it's mostly hereditary, and I know my mom had them, but that doesn't mean I don't lather on the cream 2 or 3 times a day lol 
Sleep: pretty good minus the psychotic dreams I've been having. And the puppy that's been waking me up at 1:30 am wanting to eat breakfast. I'm pretty sure I'm using some birthday money to invest in a Snoogle this weekend.
Best moment this week: Finding out my cousin is due 6/7 weeks after me! Yay for best friend babies!!! 
Miss Anything? My mind, mostly. I've literally become the dumbest person in the world. But also deli meat. What I would't do for a turkey, cream cheese, and sprout sandwich from Deli Delicious. OMG! 
Movement: I've seen him/her move A TON but too little to feel yet. 
Food cravings: FRUIT! Peaches, and grapes, and mangoes, oh my!! Also popcicles. I made a trip to the store JUST for those Dreyers fruit bars.  But sadly, also alcohol and sushi :( I just want to chug a corona and then binge on raw tuna. Oh my gosh.... I almost forgot french fries. Yeah, I could eat french fries all day every day. 
Anything making you queasy or sick: raw red meat. Bleehhh. And the smell of coffee sometimes, which makes me so sad.
Gender: We find out in 5 weeks! I had a dream it's a girl, and have kinda thought girl all along, which is weird because I've always wanted a boy. We will see!! :) 
Labor Signs: No, obvi. 
Symptoms: For the past few days I've finally felt like I'm getting energy back. Thank GOD! I'm a little nauseous when I'm hungry and at night. But other than that, feeling good! 
Belly Button in or out? in
Wedding rings on or off? on
Happy or Moody most of the time: Happy most of the time! It's been a stressful couple of weeks between house-hunting obstacles and (trying) to choreograph the school play lol Oh, and I did shed some unnecessary tears twice last week. Poor Jake. 
Looking forward to: Doctor appointment on the 20th! Love hearing the little stinker's heart beating. 

our miracle.

    A couple of months into our marriage Jake and I realized that our 2-3 year waiting period for kids just wasn't going to cut it. We wanted babies and we wanted them soon. We quickly decided that simply a year would do. We began trying to conceive in May, and on June 23rd I found out I was pregnant.
We were ecstatic. My memories of that morning consist of a beautiful haze of shaking, and staring, and rechecking the test, and hugging, and crying, and kissing, and rechecking the test. We couldn't wait to share the news with our parents and siblings, but decided it would be wise to attend a doctor's appointment first, just in case both tests I took were false negatives. :) The 23rd was a Sunday, so by the time I could call on Monday, the soonest I could get in was Wednesday. We went to the appointment, got the pregnancy confirmed, and based off of my last missed period (sorry boys) I was 8 weeks along.
     Now, just as a disclaimer, I didn't feel 8 weeks pregnant, and repeatedly stated that. I had obviously never been pregnant before, but I think I have a good sense of my body, and that just didn't seem to be true. Regardless, we told our immediate family. It was such an exciting and emotional moment to see such great excitement and emotion in our parent's and sibling's faces.
     That Friday, five days after we found out we were pregnant, we went to the OB. After providing the nurses with pages and pages of our medical history, I got my first ultrasound. Immediately, the nurse practitioner looked concerned. As sweetly as possible, she let us know that what we were looking at was nothing more than an empty sac. No baby. She explained that there were two possible cases; either my dates were off or this wasn't a viable pregnancy. While I was obviously nervous, we both had faith that I was simply 5 weeks along, like the sac was measuring. I was instructed to get two sets of blood tests, one that day and one on Sunday. The NP explained that if the pregnancy was good, my hormone levels should be doubling.Again, I was a bit anxious, but I had never felt 8 weeks to begin with.
       On Monday morning I got call from the NP. I answered eagerly, but the moment I heard her voice, I knew. She apologized and informed me that based on the blood tests, this wasn't a viable pregnancy. While my hormone levels were increasing, they weren't doubling like they should be, and they were at a high enough level that we should have been able to see a baby. The sun was too bright, I couldn't breathe, and my stomach turned all at once. I just sobbed. This wasn't supposed to happen. The NP tried to comfort me as best as she could, providing statistics and assuring me that we could try again soon. She explained that because the following day was my Dr.'s surgery day, I would be able to get a D&C quickly if that's what I wanted. I didn't fully know what that meant, and to be honest, I couldn't deal with any decisions, so I told her I would call back in a while.
      Having to face Jake was torturous. Even though I obviously knew he would not cease to provide comfort and strength for me, I still felt guilty, burdened, and ashamed. After some tears and anger and feelings of hopelessness, I decided to collect my thoughts and attempt to make a decision. After doing more research on D & C's I quickly decided I didn't want one. The procedure requires anesthesia, and consists of the doctor going up and cleaning out the contents of your uterus. First of all, I had never been put under for ANYTHING, and was terrified that I would be that one person who is allergic to the medication and would die suddenly. Secondly, it seemed a little too much like an abortion to me. Even though I had been told there was no hope for this baby, I was afraid they were wrong. I tend to be a what-ifer, and I didn't want to live with the burden of wondering if I should have given the baby another chance. I called the doctor's office and asked if we could come in and have another ultra sound, just to make sure. They sweetly agreed.
       I had so much anger sitting in the waiting room that day. Jake and I were joined by another couple that consisted of a 7+ month pregnant woman. She sat and complained about every single thing she could have possibly complained about. She was thirsty, hot, tired, cold, hungry, and ready to be seen. I remember wondering if she could even see outside of her own petty problems. We sat there in front of them, looking like complete hell. I hadn't showered, and my face was obviously swollen from tears. When we got called back before her, and I heard her huff and complain some more, it took everything in me not to turn around and yell, "AT LEAST YOUR BABY IS ALIVE!" Definitely a reminder to be sensitive to those around you.
      Anyways, we made it to the room, and as I settled onto the bed, I had such a strange combination of hopelessness and wondering, "What if they were wrong? What if our baby's there." The little hope I had soon dissolved as the ultrasound showed the sac that remained empty. The NP explained that I had a blighted ovum. The egg and sperm had fertilized, but an embryo never developed. I remember not knowing whether this made me feel better or worse. It seemed like it should have made it feel better, but to Jake and I, that "blighted ovum" was so much more than even just an embryo. That was our baby. In the five days that we knew about his/her existence, the dreams had already been dreamt, the names began being thrown around, and the love had grown immensely.
      While she assured me that there was no rush, and that it was ultimately my decision, the NP explained my two options. If I wanted to get the D & C, it would be painless, quick, and easy. I would have about 5 days of light bleeding and mild cramping, and then after a couple of months, when my body got on the right track again, we would be able to try to conceive. If I chose to miscarry naturally, I wouldn't know when it would happen, the pain could be similar to medium contractions, and if there was too much blood, I might have to have emergency surgery anyways. I was still undecided, so they offered to schedule the surgery for me, and have me call in the morning with the final answer.
      I'm positively sure that I would have decided to stick with having the miscarriage naturally, but I realized that in a week we would be in San Diego and Malibu for eight days. Our best friend was getting married, and a week after that we would be at Shaver Lake for family vacation. I definitely did not want to be losing the baby on Coronado Beach, the dance floor, or some crazy tube ride. We were both already so exhausted, and just decided it would be best to get the surgery and move on as soon as possible.
     The next morning on July 3rd, I was admitted into the hospital and received a D & C. Of course, I don't remember much, except for the fact that anesthesia isn't so bad after all. However, after the surgery my doctor went out into the waiting room and informed my mom and Jake that while I was fine, something was very different. She told them that my uterus seemed small, and that she felt like she couldn't get anything out. While the procedure is usually a blind one, it was so confusing to her that she decided to go up with a camera to look around. When she did she couldn't find anything. She even gave us a copy of the pictures of my empty uterus. When Jake and my mom told me about this, it worried me a little. It mostly worried me because I figure I was deformed somehow, but I forgot about it soon after. 
     I spent that next week full of emotions. I was devastated, obviously, but also angry, bitter, confused, and shocked. My mind flashed to all of the women who had abused their bodies and babies, but still got healthy, full term pregnancies. I had never been a smoker, drinker, drug user, or done anything else that should ever make this happen. I felt betrayed by my body. I felt so sad to have disappointed my husband and family, even though I knew they would never place the blame on me. Even though I read all of the statistics and research showing that miscarriage is common and usually natures way of taking care of something that would not been healthy to begin with, it didn't seem right. I wanted a baby, but I wanted that baby. 
     Fast forward a week later. Jake and I were in San Diego, and I received a phone call from my doctor. She explained that she got my pathology reports back from the surgery, and that no fetal tissue was detected in what she pulled out. While she didn't want me to panic, she was afraid the pregnancy might be ectopic, and that the baby might be somewhere dangerous like my abdomen or tubes. I obviously panicked. That night Jake and I googled the nearest Quest Diagnostics, and went to get blood work done to see if my hormone levels were reading pregnant. I was terrified, exhausted, and just wanted to be home. That night I had visions of a ruptured tube, emergency surgery, and being trapped in San Diego. 
     The next day my doctor called back with the lab results. My hormone levels were sky high and I was definitely still pregnant... somewhere. She instructed me to go to UCSD Medical Center where they would do an ultra sound and try to find out what exactly was going on. Jake and I sat in the ER for a few hours, in between an inmate and a woman coughing up her lungs. I can remember very few other times in my life that I had felt that miserable. I wanted to be home. I wanted everything to be over. 
      Soon enough, the very sweet staff was ushering me to an ultra sound room. After the ultra sound, they took me into my own room, and soon after that a doctor and nurse came in and asked what had happened up until this point. I explained exactly what I explained here, except far less emotional and in much less detail. The doctor took notes and the nurse avoided eye contact. After I finished, the doctor said, "Ok, it's just very strange because we found your baby, perfectly healthy, in your uterus where it belongs."
       We were in complete shock. There were no tears or words. I could barely breathe. The doctor explained that my uterus was completely normal, and that there was no medical explanation on why my doctor wouldn't have been able to get the baby out. Oh, and sidenote: My doctor has been doing this for 20 years. This wasn't her first rodeo, it is a very common procedure, and she is a highly respectable doctor. Doctors and nurses began pouring in, congratulating us, listening to the story, and letting us know that they had never heard of anything like this before. It is the most unreal feeling to have so many educated and scientific individuals come in flabbergasted and tell you that your baby is nothing short of a legitimate medical miracle. 
     We have had three ultrasounds since San Diego. Our precious baby is growing and developing just like he/she should, and has every sign of being perfectly healthy so far. We have had the blessing of hearing the sweet heartbeat, and seeing the little ham wiggle around in there. 
      As you can imagine, it's been quite an emotional ride. From joy to fear to sorrow to even more fear to shock to joy more joyous than we have ever dreamed of. So now I am ten weeks pregnant. Not quite to the 12 week "safe zone" but with a story like this (and all the people who already knew because of all the craziness that took place) we decided now was as good a time than ever to share God's miracle. 
    To me personally, this has been a MAJOR reminder of how powerful, loving, and awesome God is. While I felt broken and bitter, I always knew I was in His hands. I just had no comprehension of how powerful He really is, and how much love  He really has for me. We had an unfathomable amount of prayers being prayed for us during that terrible time, and I am so humbled that God would listen. I know without hesitation that whatever happens from here on out, good, bad, or indifferent, God loves me, cares about me, and is powerful enough to take care of me. I am more at peace now than I've ever been before. 
"Finally, be strong in the Lord, and in the strength of His might." Ephesians 6:10

Ok, now you can all make a joke about how this baby is already acting like the legend that is Jake Yeager :) 
      

the problem with blogging.

....besides the fact that i can't figure out this new blogger layout! what the heck. i hate trendy, modern, and unusable! moving on.
here's the thing. i've never been much of a private person. i'm not shy. i rarely get embarrassed. i sometimes forget to filter my words. i've been blogging since 2009, and during that time i think i struggled posting two entries. two. i just counted, and i've posted 80 blogs. that's saying something. (maybe that i should shut up, who knows)
anyways, as many of you can tell, since i claimed to be starting this super fun marriage blog back in november, i have posted four blogs. four! so what's the deal? lazy? no. too busy? not really. nothing exciting happening? nope, not it either. things are just different. better different.
it's not that i don't want to share. it's not that i don't sometimes. it's not that i won't ever again. jake and i have always liked to keep our relationship relatively private. now, this is difficult to do in the age we live in. i don't know how many times a day i log onto facebook and see couples talking back and forth to each other on there. if that's your thing, then hey, live it up! to us, it just never made sense. we have always had cell phones, we saw each other often, and for goodness sakes, now we live under the same roof. talking to each other on facebook just felt like talking to everybody on our friends list. it felt like we were putting our relationship on display. and as much as i love a little reality tv, it felt a bit too Nick and Jessica, a little bit like all of these people were sitting and watching and analyzing our relationship. now that we're married, that theory has evolved a bit. blogging has made me feel like we are the stars of a realty show, like i am exploiting our marriage. ok, that's dramatic, but believe it or not, i have 8 drafts of blogs that i have decided not to post over the past several months. it's not like they are bad or too personal. it's not like i don't want to share our life with our family and friends. it's just that during the times i've been inspired to write, by the time i read over it, i just wanted to save that silly or sweet moment for me and jake.
i guess living during a time when everything is everybody's business, i fear losing that sanctity and intimacy that jake and i share. of course, every once in a while i still post something funny or kind he does  or says, but the things my husband does or says are really for me and us and God. they aren't for blogger, and facebook, and the internet. as public and transparent i tend to be, i'm enjoying living a little more on the private side. so for now, i'm torn. the things i loved most about blogging was putting myself out there to be relatable. there is something so fun and comforting about finding somebody who thinks, feels, or acts like you do. so every time i would share a story, struggle or strength, it would please me to think that somebody was able to relate to it and me. i so badly still want that! i want to share the things we are learning through marriage, but i don't want to share my marriage. make sense? yeah, my brain hurts too.
so until i find a happy balance of sharing appropriately without feeling like i'm married to my entire friends list, the posts will be pretty slim around here. so for the record, i'm not too lazy, busy, or boring. we are happy and healthy and life is so so so good. talk to you in two months! ;)